Breaking the cycle: Becoming the parent you once needed

The way we raise our kids often mirrors how we were raised. If you grew up in the ’80s or ’90s, you might remember a style of parenting that was heavy on rules and light on conversations.

Emotions were not exactly welcome at the dinner table and “because I said so” was a complete explanation. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew but times have changed and so should our approach.Children today are growing up in an entirely different world. Information is everywhere. Independence comes earlier. Influence seeps in from every screen they hold. Gen Z and the ones coming after them are sharper, more outspoken and more aware than we ever were.

In an interview with TOI, Dr Sundeep Kochar, Motivational Speaker, Life Coach, TedX Alumnus and Celebrity Astrologer, shared, "If you grew up feeling invisible or misunderstood, you’ve been handed a rare gift: the chance to stop that cycle in its tracks.

You can choose to parent differently. To be more than a provider. To be the guide you wish you had, the friend you could confide in, the mentor who taught without shaming."

Kids today don’t need someone hovering with a rulebook; they need someone who sees them for who they are. They thrive when they have room to explore, knowing there is a steady hand ready to catch them if they fall. Dr Sundeep Kochar suggested, "Your experience isn’t meant to fence them in, it's meant to light the path ahead and here’s the thing: children reflect back what you give them. If you speak with kindness, they’ll learn kindness.

If you listen without jumping in, they’ll feel heard. If you love without strings, they’ll grow into people who trust without fear. That’s how respect is built, not demanded. Wisdom isn’t something you lecture into them. It’s something they absorb when they feel safe enough to learn from you. So, show them by living it. Be the calm in their storm. Be the one they can turn to without hesitation."

Your childhood doesn’t define your parenting: Here’s how to rewrite the script

Many adults today are raising children while still recovering from their own upbringing.

They find themselves caught in patterns of harsh discipline, emotional distance or neglect, not because they choose to repeat these cycles but because those patterns are deeply ingrained. Talking about how becoming the parent you never had is not just a healing act for your child, it is a rebirth for your inner self, Dr Mickey Mehta, Global Holistic Health Guru and Spiritual Life Coach, said, "Breaking generational patterns requires self-awareness and conscious effort.

Today, it is important that you heal before you parent. Unhealed trauma often shows up as overcontrol, emotional unavailability or projection."Studies in neuroscience reveal that early adverse experiences alter brain pathways but the brain remains plastic. Dr Mickey Mehta advised, "Mindfulness, breathwork, therapy and journalling can help rewire these pathways. When we become present, we respond instead of reacting, creating safer emotional spaces for our children.

Parenting starts by observing your child with fresh eyes. Instead of imposing what was imposed on you, ask: “What does my child need at this moment?” Children are not vessels to be filled but seeds to be nurtured.

Every word, every gaze is an affirmation or a wound. In earlier times, children were tightly controlled. Parents imposed their will completely but today, there is a beautiful rebellion in children—a revolution for independence.

They are asserting: "We are individuals. We want to do what we want. We want to be free, to be liberated, to make our own choices. Even our mistakes should be our own." They want the space to fall, to rise and to learn through their own experience."

Many parents come into the role by accident. Yet, accidental parents sometimes become the most wonderful ones because nothing is predefined. When there is a strict structure, a plan or a continuous monitoring mechanism, the natural blossoming of a child is affected.

Dr Mickey Mehta asserted, "Children should flower freely to be naturally fragrant, naturally sweetened and naturally colourful. In their fragility lies the true fruition of growth.

Being vulnerable and being sensitive is essential. Many adults grew up earning love through performance, good grades, quiet behaviour, obedience. This sets a child on a lifelong chase for approval. Offer unconditional positive regard.

Let them fail safely. Validate their emotions without rescuing or judging."

Stop parenting from your past, start parenting from their future

If parents truly understand the elasticity of the brain, they would not rush their children into fixed time frames or force them into boxes of excellence. Instead, they would allow space for exploration. The expression of childhood, its innocence, wonder and curiosity should be celebrated as the true excellence of upbringing. When we drop constant evaluations and comparisons, we allow the child to be like a butterfly, flying freely among flowers, sipping nectar from wherever they feel called.Dr Mickey Mehta highlighted, "Open, non-judgmental environments become the breeding ground for joyful, grounded and successful children. Success, then, is not defined by report cards or rankings but by how enthusiastically a child wakes up, how peacefully they sleep, how eagerly they cuddle their parents. It's in their willingness to play and to study, to laugh freely, to run towards someone who opens their arms and their heart.

You may not always have the right words, but your presence, grounded, calm and non-judgmental, heals more than any technique. Tell them, “I believe in you,” “It’s okay to feel sad,” “You are safe with me.” Be their secure base, not their supervisor. Hug longer. Listen deeper. Laugh freely. Allow them to be, not who you want but who they are becoming."Breaking the cycle means becoming conscious of what you lacked, acknowledging what you needed and choosing to give your child the emotional nourishment you missed. Parenting then becomes not a task but a sacred journey of evolving together.