Is it really people pleasing that’s causing your anxiety?

Most of us want to be liked, valued, or, let’s be honest, perceived as someone helpful. But when that becomes an ongoing need to never upset the apple cart — even at our own expense — it can drop us into the realm of “people pleasing.

” This relentless cycle is a leading, yet largely ignored, cause of chronic anxiety. Understanding how people-pleasing feeds into your anxiety is crucial for getting your peace of mind back.People pleasing is much more than mere kindness. It’s an ongoing tendency to move others’ needs, opinions, and comfort ahead of your own, typically because we feel we won’t be loved, accepted, safe, or happy if we don’t. And that selfless behavior has the power to slowly whittle away at your sense of self, your boundaries and overall well-being — and bloat your anxiety in its place.

Common signs of people pleasing

Helplessness to say “no” when under the yoke, or even unwillingApologizing all the time, even when you didn’t do anything wrongNervous because you’re worried about what others think of you or you don’t want to disappoint anyone“I always go along with what everyone else says, no matter what. Even if it goes against everything I believe in. I feel like I have to say what everyone else agrees with.”Avoiding conflict by withholding your opinions and desiresFeeling responsible for the feelings or actions of others

How people pleasing fuels anxiety?

People pleasing isn’t just about getting praise or its lifestyle equivalent—it’s frequently a long-standing coping mechanism that’s developed early and based on low self-esteem or even, believe it or not, trauma.

At its heart, it is really about a fear of being judged, rejected or abandoned.Here are some of the ways people pleasing can trigger or exacerbate anxiety:Why overcommitment is such a problem: As we try to accommodate and appease everyone, trying to keep them all happy, we end up taking on too much—spinning our wheels in overdrive—leaving us in a constant state of stress, overwhelm, and burnout.Not taking care of yourself: If your needs always come second, you might end up disregarding sleep, boundaries, hobbies or even care of basic self, adding to frustration and causeless stress.Rejected feelings -Making an effort not to communicate honestly can cause resentfulness, sadness, and anger (pushed down and bottled up) which elevates anxiety over time.Fear of disapproval: The fear of not managing other's perceptions well enough makes you hypervigilant and anxious; especially in social or work places.Identity crisis: There is a sense of vacuity, of not knowing who you are or what you want, leaving you feeling lost and anxious.

Questions to ask yourself

If you think that people pleasing may be contributing to your anxiety, consider these questions:Do I tend to feel depleted or angry after giving to others?Am I unable to establish boundaries or express my own needs?Do I concern myself with being “too much” or “not enough” for others?Am I being too eager to maintain a semblance of calm, even at my own cost?Do I get anxious when I picture conflict, criticism, or rejection?Then you may find that people pleasing is a major contributor to your anxiety if your knee-jerk response is a “yes” response.

Breaking the cycle

Awareness is the first step. Understand that your worth isn’t dependent on pleasing everyone else. Therapy can help you develop self-esteem, create boundaries and relearn what’s healthy when it comes to interacting with others. Get used to saying no with courteous resonance, learn to listen to what your own body and mind need, and allow yourself to rest.Learning to understand and combat people pleasing as a cause of anxiety isn’t selfish, but instead a natural component for your mental health and genuine existence.Mansi Kothari - Psychologist & Mental Wellness Expert