The big lesson in the big anda: Kids need to fail to succeed

‘You will get a big anda in your exam.’ Or, ‘stop being a hero and start studying or you will get a zero!’ If you have grown up in marks-obsessed India, chances are you have heard some version of the above remarks or even said them to your child. Indian parents fear failure so much that, consciously or unconsciously, they put immense pressure on their kids to succeed. But is that wise? Sushant Kalra, parent coach and founder of Parwarish Institute of Parenting, tells us not to fear the fall, but cheer the climb

Let’s be honest. We may say failure is a stepping stone to success but in reality, the thought of it is so scary and depressing that we try to avoid it at all costs. We do whatever it takes to support our children, so they don’t fail (and experience the pain of it).

How many of us have completed our kids’ homework, made projects for them, sat with them for hours to prepare for their exams and more, lending that extra hand so that they don’t fail?I want you to think about the day your child took their very first step. Even if the memory is faint, it has a magical way of lighting you up whenever you recall it. You watched as your little one clung to unsteady legs, wobbled, and inevitably fell — again and again.

That day, your child failed. And yet, it was a moment you cherished, cheered, and proudly immortalised with photos and videos. You announced it to friends and family with joy.When did we stop celebrating failure the way we did once with those first steps or first crayon scribbles? When did our encouragement of ‘Don’t worry. You can do it!’ morph into anxious interrogations of ‘Why can’t you?’ and ‘Will you ever get it?’ For children, the journey from wanting to try again after a setback to feeling shame or humiliation is heartbreaking — and unnecessary.

Failure leads to growthFailure is deeply human. It is nature’s built-in process for learning and growth. When children stumble, their efforts are always at the edge of their abilities — outside the circle of what they already know or can do. If the people around them — parents, grandparents, siblings — focus on the effort rather than the outcome, children naturally pick themselves up and try once more. Sometimes, they will fail again. And again.

But with each attempt, appreciation, and encouragement, the process repeats until, one day, the skill is mastered. Their circle expands, and so does the child.Every human wants to grow. I have yet to meet someone who would choose stagnation over progress. The formula for growth is simple: do something outside your current circle of skills. Keep at it, patiently and persistently — growth is inevitable. This is the natural cycle of life.One evening, 25 years ago, when my son Aman was just a few months old, I was teaching him to crawl. I placed a rattler a few inches in front of him. He dragged himself for five minutes to reach it. I would smile and keep it a few inches away again. This continued for a while. This whole episode led me to reflect for hours. Why does he not give up? Why make the effort to do it all over again? It’s pure human nature to never give up. And, if there is someone who trusts your ability to make it and is encouraging you to do it again, appreciating your effort, it fuels you to make it happen.Our role as parents should be to take the long view. Give children repeated opportunities to struggle, to stumble, and even to fail. Through this, they develop not just skills, but also patience, resilience, and self-confidence.The single most important gift you can give your child is consistent encouragement: someone who recognises every new effort, and who gently nudges them, with an unconditional belief in them, to keep going until their ability catches up. Who better for that role than you?Remember, failing — even repeatedly — does not make you a failure.

Failure is an action, not an identity. It is just a verb, never an adjective.How to react to failureImagine your child didn't do well in the math exam (you can replace this with any area where they didn't do well). You and your child would be feeling bad. The first step is to ask about, share and acknowledge the feelings, without addressing them. I know this may sound tough. It’s tough to implement not because it is difficult but because our brain has been conditioned to think in a certain way.Know that we only fail in things/areas that are outside our circle. And to fail at anything proves that you did something beyond your current skill/knowledge/capability. Close your eyes and say that to yourself. You will feel proud of yourself and your child.Now identify what was beyond you. Was it knowledge, skill, practice or expertise? And, then work on acquiring that. Taking support, talking to and learning from others can be one way.Step three is to do it again. You may need to repeat these steps multiple times for you to grow in that area. Remember, the bigger the leap, the longer it can take. So go jump!4-Step formula to failure-proof yourself and your child

As told to Neha Bhayana