Catching problems early: Why parenting needs observation, not reaction

Parenting is a puzzle with pieces of different shapes and sizes that grow and change over time. Sometimes the biggest piece is the piece of joy, and all others take shape around it. At other times, the piece of quiet self-doubt screams rather loudly, as confusion and worry settle around it.

In times of unpredictable changes, all pieces can change positions, and these may feel like moments that ask more of you than you feel ready for. Parenting in today’s world may feel even more complex. Somewhere between the ten-minute deliveries, instant gratification of screens, and quick AI generated answers; parenting can start to feel like running a race against time itself. In an attempt to be quick “fixers”, instant solution finders, and always staying one step ahead; parents can struggle with the feeling of constantly lagging behind.

Perhaps the answer lies not in trying to play catch-up but in pausing to return to the basics. As explained by Donald Winnicott, children do not need perfect parents; they need present ones. Parents that can allow for an optimal level of frustration- enough to build resilience and problem solving skills; who can also pause to notice their own discomfort and return with greater awareness and intention. What children need most are not solutions, it is the presence of a safe, emotionally available adult.

An adult who can offer undivided attention, time and mental resources, to be truly present to hear and see them. Therefore, instead of speeding up, the need of the hour maybe to slow down enough to be able to truly observe: their behaviours, their habits, their interests, their curiosities, and their challenges. To be able to make this shift from urgency to observation, from reactive to preventive parenting; it helps to understand what signs to look for and how to respond.

Children, especially as they grow older, rarely express distress through their words. It is often observed through seemingly small patterns and changes in their behaviour. Some of these signs may include school refusal without any identifiable cause, sleep disturbances that may appear suddenly, unexplained fears and withdrawal from, or overindulgence in their social group.

Other indicators of distress may also include increased irritability or extreme fatigue, low motivation towards activities they enjoy, anger/frustration outbursts or any visible behavioural changes including drastic changes in their use of screen time.

In isolation, they may not be a cause of concern. But the persistence and combination of behaviours that indicate a shift in the child’s personality may point to an underlying challenge. The key is not to directly intervene, interrogate or jump in to solve problems; rather to observe, connect and stay alongside the child. Small, consistent engagements are often more useful than conversations aimed at immediate resolutions.

Rather than waiting for the right time, it is important to gently observe and build micro-moments of connection into every routine. Spending time with your child, without interruptions from the screen, noise or any other distractions is one of the most effective ways to connect with them.

Sitting beside them during homework or sharing about your own day may be a way of making them feel your steady presence in a safe, non-threatening way.

Asking open ended questions like “What parts of the day felt good to you, and which ones felt tough?”, may also reduce hesitation to share. These micro moments communicate availability - “I am here, you are seen”. It is equally important to note that when children do open up to adults, it is always more supportive to assume a position of curiosity over control. As protective adults, our experiences may lead us to believe that we have all the answers.

However, in moments of distress, children do not benefit from the ‘right’ answers; instead, they benefit from support that could lead them to find their own. The parenting journey, therefore, is less about having the perfect solution and more about staying attuned to the child’s needs. It is about creating a rhythm of connection before frustration turns to anger, sadness turns to despair, conflict turns into an altercation, and worry turns into overwhelm. By noticing small shifts, intentionally creating channels of communication and responding with a steady presence rather than urgency; parents can help children learn emotional regulation skills, build resilience and provide a safe space for them to return to.

Akanksha Mishra, Counsellor, Shiv Nadar School, Gururgam