Moms & Dads, It’s Your Fault & You Do It Everyday

We often speak of

gender equality

through the lens of education, empowerment, and govt schemes. But the real issue isn’t just about policy. It’s practice. It’s not about whether opportunities exist for girls, but whether they’re allowed – and encouraged – to access them. The contradiction lies in what we preach versus what we normalise every day in our homes, schools, and communities.

Bias starts early & subtly

Gender bias

doesn’t begin with dramatic decisions. It begins in quiet, everyday choices. Who gets served food first, who is allowed to speak up, who is permitted to play outside. These patterns are so deeply ingrained that they often go unnoticed. In a village in Haryana, an elderly woman once complained there was no girls school for Grade 12. When we checked, one existed, just a kilometre away. The real issue wasn’t access. It was permission. Girls were neither encouraged to cycle there, nor allowed to. “Safety” was cited, but in truth, fear is often used as a cage. The opportunity existed, girls were denied access.

Inequality in the everyday

In another household, a young boy asked for ice cream. His two sisters eagerly joined in. Their mother snapped: “Only the brother will have it.” This wasn’t about affordability – it was about entitlement. The belief that boys deserve more, simply for being boys.

Elsewhere, a schoolgoing girl won a games competition and was rewarded with a ball. Her younger brother, who had lost, cried for one too. The grandmother intervened: “Give it to him.” In an instant, the girl’s achievement was dismissed, her brother’s disappointment validated. These are not isolated incidents – they’re everyday lessons in inequality.

What boys learn & girls don’t

At a community meeting, teenage boys were asked if they helped with household work. The question was met with laughter. One boy was teased, “He washes dishes with his mother!” amid howls of laughter. This is how boys learn that caregiving is something to mock – not respect. And how girls learn to accept the double standards in silence. In a dipstick survey across several villages, not one of 306 mothers could name a skill or talent in her child. The emotional disconnect runs deep. Many girls are even today seen not as individuals, but as future wives or helpers. Their potential goes unseen.

Patterns across households

Across homes, some patterns are painfully consistent:

Schemes aren’t enough

Haryana govt has launched many initiatives that aim to promote girls’ education, health, and entrepreneurship. But a critical question remains: What good are policies if families don’t change their thinking? Girls cannot thrive on govt schemes alone. They need environments – at home, in school, in society – where they are not just permitted to grow, but actively encouraged to.

Where change begins

True transformation doesn’t come from building more schools or distributing subsidies. It comes from shifting mindsets. Educated mothers must reject

patriarchal norms

. Fathers and sons must take part in caregiving. Families must celebrate daughters’ successes as proudly as sons. Parents must see children as individuals with potential – not just roles to be played. Girls should not merely be allowed to go to school – they should feel entitled to succeed. Boys should not just be literate but emotionally aware. Equality doesn’t mean sameness. It means fairness, empathy, and opportunity.

Road ahead

If we’re serious about building a truly inclusive and equitable society, we must move beyond slogans. We must invest in parenting skills, emotional literacy, and gender-sensitive community practices. It’s time we taught parents how to raise confident daughters and compassionate sons. Shift from control to care. From silence to voice. From protection to pride. Until then, the contradictions in how we raise boys and girls will persist – and gender equality will remain a promise we speak about, but fail to live.

The writers are founders, Navjyoti India Foundation