Not compatibility, but THIS trait is crucial in a healthy relationship, expert reveals

What is your definition of a healthy relationship? There may be many answers. Compatibility is surely at the top of the list. What if it’s not? Sure, compatibility can help. But there is one most important factor that most of us are missing.

According to Baya Voce, a relationship repair expert, the real trait of a good relationship is the ability to handle discomfort.

Compatibility is good, but there’s more

Most of us assume that it’s compatibility and shared interests that keep relationships alive. But Voce thinks it’s the ability to stay present when things get hard.In a video shared on Instagram, she said, “I see so many people making this huge mistake in relationships. A lot of people think that what makes a relationship work is compatibility or shared interests or good communication, but those aren’t the things that make it work.

Those are nice-to-haves. What you need for a relationship to work is the ability to stay present with discomfort, yours and theirs. That’s it. That’s the muscle.

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What is the ability to ‘stay present’?

Now, what is this ability to ‘stay present’? Well, it is the ability to sit with your own discomfort and theirs without needing to fix it or escape from it. The expert points out certain examples that may help to understand what this really means. So imagine this: your partner is hurt.

Can you stay in the room without needing to explain yourself right away? “Can you track when you’re shutting down or spiraling and take responsibility for your impact, even if you’re scared you’re going to get it wrong or even if it feels unfair? That’s what makes it work,” she explained.

How you handle the uncomfortable moments matters

We’ve all heard about the importance of date nights and keeping the spark in a relationship. But seldom have people spoken about how important it is for partners to know how to handle the not-so-lovey-dovey moments.

She also agreed that it is normal for emotions to take over in arguments, but what matters most is how you manage them.“It’s not actually the tools, because I promise you, when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’re going to forget them. I probably don’t even need to tell you that because you’ve experienced it. And it’s not the date nights or reading books like Attached and thinking you’re now emotionally fluent. Although it’s a great book.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s the difference between talking about growth and actually doing it,” she added.So, couples who build a healthy relationship aren’t the ones who avoid conflict, but those who move through hard moments together. “The couples that make it beyond just surviving in it for who knows how many years, they don’t get there by avoiding the hard stuff. They get there because they build the capacity to move through it without blowing each other up in the process. And yeah, it takes practice. You’re going to be bad before you get good.

I promise you that. But that’s the whole game,” she said.Arguments aren’t the problem here. Disagreements are bound to happen. But how you handle the hard parts of love without running, attacking, or shutting down is what truly matters.