You always say 'I love you,' but your partner doesn't: Why that's okay

Are you the romantic one in your relationship? You like saying ‘I love you’. You like holding hands. You enjoy a cozy evening together. But your partner? Not quite the same. Even after saying ‘I love you’ a hundred times a day, you’re often met with silence, or at best, a quiet smile.

Sounds familiar? You might be wondering whether your relationship is going in the right direction.

Here’s the good news. It is. A new study published in Communication Studies, found that a relationship may still be stronger when one partner expresses affection openly than both of you show only a little affection.

The power of an affectionate partner

In most relationships, partners don’t always express affection the same way. Researchers are now saying that the relationship can still thrive, even when only one partner is openly affectionate.

While the more is merrier, even one can get the job done. The new study suggests that a romantic relationship’s total amount of affectionate communication is a much stronger predictor of relationship satisfaction, trust and intimacy than whether each partner communicates at a similar level.This study challenges the common belief and established theory that people are attracted to those who share similar traits.

“The study does not discount the importance of similarity in many aspects of romantic relationships but instead highlights once again the specific importance of affectionate communication to the success and development of those relationships. Few communication behaviors are more important for the development, maintenance and quality of romantic bonds than the expression of affection,” study co-author Colin Hesse, director of the School of Communication in the Oregon State University College of Liberal Arts, said.

What is affectionate communication?

According to the researchers, affectionate communication is the intentional and overt enactment or expression of feelings of closeness, care and fondness for another person. This is often divided into three categories: verbal, nonverbal and indirect/supportive. For example if you kiss your partner in the morning, say I love you, and make sure lunch is packed for work, you’re hitting all three.To understand the role of affection, Hesse and the researchers at the Washington State University and Sam Houston State University looked at data from 141 heterosexual couples in the United States.

The participants belonged to different geographic areas, ethnic groups, socioeconomic statuses and ages. The researchers wanted to understand whether couples do better when they show similar levels of affection - high, low or in between.

Or by simply having a higher total amount of it. “Generally speaking, affectionate communication is beneficial both for the partner who gives it and the partner receiving it.

It makes for better trust, intimacy, passion and overall relational satisfaction. And we found strong evidence that it is far better for couples, both males and females, to have generally higher levels of affectionate communication than to have generally similar levels of affectionate communication,” Hesse said.

“Research has demonstrated that similarity in partners’ characteristics is positively associated with relationship satisfaction.

But similarities in affectionate communication don’t necessarily contribute to that satisfaction,” the researchers added. The takeaway is simple. Relationships don’t need perfect alignment in affection styles to succeed. If either you or your partner are saying ‘I love you’ or is affectionate, your relationship can still blossom. “We would not prescribe specific affectionate behaviors but would in general counsel people to engage in affectionate communication. It’s essential for both individual and relational wellness – basically, showing someone you care about them actually helps you both in terms of alleviating stress and feeling happier and healthier,” Hesse concluded. Because in the end, a relationship is not a business deal where you match the opposite person’s offer. All that matters is being valued, respected, and connected.