Is sexual fidelity really a big deal?

Beloved infidel. Ha! Duplicity and deceit kill sexual enjoyment. Eventually. Young couples roll their eyes when the F-word comes up. Not that one. Fidelity. ‘It’s a non-issue,’ an attractive female lawyer confesses.

‘Staying faithful is so overrated by all you aunties. For us, staying switched up is far more exciting.’ What about the C-word? Commitment? ‘Oh, come on. We don’t confuse the two. We are committed...till we are not committed. We can un-couple, and re-couple. That’s life.’A young girlfriend wrote to ask why society makes such a big deal out of sexual fidelity between partners. This is her exact quote: ‘Sex itself should not be seen as shameful.Instead, view sex as an acceptance of all human wants, needs and desires. Why discriminate against women when they seek sex on their own terms? Sexuality is just a human facet, not the big shameful secret or aberration we have converted it into.’ She is an attractive fifty-something professional. Twice married. With adult kids from both marriages. Her second marriage isn’t on track either. And she has not slept with her very good-looking husband in years.

But she has slept with several other men, most of them much younger. Is she happy with her choices? It seems so. She’s always upbeat, enthusiastic, and up for adventure. For a young woman from a conservative background, living in a conservative extended family, her choices cannot have been easy.

‘I like sex,’ she stated simply.‘But not with him. He doesn’t turn me on.’ And that ends any moral science debate, right there.

The C-word (commitment) is carefully avoided these days. Commitment in marriage. Commitment in a relationship. ‘We are committed to living on our own terms, that’s it,’ a young married told me while sipping a margarita. ‘And what is that truth?’ I asked. ‘Oh... my personal happiness,’ she answered and winked.The complications kick in when irate partners or outraged children curb a woman’s desires outside the accepted societal framework. So far, my young friend has sailed through minus too much resistance. Is she seen as a Scarlet Woman by her social circle? Do other women shun her because they are insecure about their own husbands? Oh yes! I have witnessed it first-hand. There she was, puffing away, drink in hand, on the terrace of a lovely home, wearing a really short tangerine coloured summer dress that showed off her toned, tanned legs to advantage (tennis is good for legs!), surrounded by a group of interested men.

She looked smashing! Women glared pointedly, and I could overhear them wondering, ‘Doesn’t her sweet husband mind?’ None of your business, sweetie.

Hang on to your own.Typical? Yup. For years I didn’t get to meet the ‘sweet husband’ and asked her half-jokingly whether he even existed. Finally, she invited me home—to meet him. Yessss.... He wasn’t an imaginary man! I really liked the guy. Well-mannered, kind, and warm towards his wife’s male friends.

He was indulgent with her as well. We went out together. They were like any other ‘normal’ couple.Who’s to say what really happens between two people in an intimate relationship? Can the outside world ever uncover the ‘truth’? What is this vague ‘truth’ anyway? And what concern is it of anyone else? If only we lived in such a non-judgemental society! As the wise ones state: marriage means different things to different people.I came home that night and thought about how when a man in India says ‘meri aurat’, it can either be seen as reassuring or insulting. ‘My woman’ has so many nuances. Like, ‘my man’, ‘mera aadmi’. It does not have to be a negative interpretation.To claim someone as your own is a privilege! Since I am not ‘woke’, I can say this without giving a damn. ‘Belonging’ is a beautiful emotion. My children ‘belong’ to me! So does my husband.

I feel good about it, not apologetic. Being proud and possessive about those you cherish is most acceptable in my book. I get irritated by strident disclaimers by women who appropriate a version of feminism I don’t subscribe to and then damn other women for not embracing it.

Do I feel like a ‘possession’? Of course, I do. I love being that possession! I’m embarrassingly ‘un-woke’. I don’t need ‘space’ in a relationship. If that’s what I really craved, I’d have stayed singled and rented a bigger apartment.Several animal and bird species mate for life. Like the magnificent hawks. Even gorgeous gliding swans. Ask yourself... Are you a hawk...a swan? A gibbon...wolf?Excerpted with permission from The Sensual Self: Exploration of Love, Sex & Romance (published by Aleph Books)