What Zendaya gets right about independence in relationships

When Hollywood actress Zendaya recently spoke on the 'Modern Love' podcast, about her relationship with Tom Holland, something stood out. There was a noticeable absence of drama. There were no grand proclamations or performative vulnerability.

Instead, what she said stayed with you. While discussing her relationship, she said “love should not consume you; it should coexist with you.

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Sounds simple. It is anything but. Especially in the peculiar Indian scenario, where relationships and marriages are still set within traditional boundaries and expectations. We may have become nuclear families, but expectations from a partner still follow old parameters.

Largely. In fact, one of the first mistakes most couples make is to forget the relationship part the moment they get married. Those quiet moments, planned dinners, social outings and most importantly, personal time, go for a toss and are traded with the daily rigours of starting to make a life together: financial security, rents, mortgages, bills and stuff.

Somewhere along the way, a couple hardly gets to see each other, and when they do, couple time gets the focus.

So far, so good. But then a mild complication arises. We don’t even get to know when and how we begin to miss ourselves. Somewhere, a strange sort of irritation creeps in. Almost unnoticeable at first, but then there’s a sudden outburst. Most of us don’t even understand where the anger came from.

Loving without losing yourself

Experts suggest it comes from missing ourselves. But we get to learn that, often, too late. This is probably what American comedian and actress Lucille Ball felt when she said: “Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” She said this in the last century. While a lot has changed, including human dynamics in a relationship, some things are fundamental to human nature, like the time or the space to be ourselves. Losing ourselves in a relationship is far more detrimental to our health than we ever thought, and Zendaya was on point when she said “independence in a relationship” was probably the main parameter that decides the success of a relationship.For decades, romantic narratives have been built around the idea of completion—the elusive “other half.” Films, literature, even everyday language reinforce the belief that love fills a void. But Zendaya subtly dismantles this idea. In her articulation, a relationship is not meant to complete you; it is meant to complement you. And that distinction changes everything. Completion implies lack. Complement implies fullness.Independence allows for desire without dependency. It creates room for curiosity – about your partner, but also about yourself. Without it, relationships risk becoming echo chambers, where two people slowly lose their distinct edges and begin to mirror each other in ways that feel safe but ultimately stifling.

Why we lose ourselves

Losing oneself in a relationship rarely happens overnight. It is gradual, almost imperceptible. You start by adjusting small things: your schedule, your preferences, your boundaries.

Then come the bigger shifts: prioritising everyone’s needs over ours, abandoning routines that once defined us, filtering our thoughts before expressing them. Over time, the line between compromise and self-erasure begins to blur.

The discipline of staying yourself

Not losing ourselves in a relationship is not a passive state. It is an active, ongoing discipline. It requires self-awareness, communication, and sometimes, difficult choices. Here are some grounded ways to practise that discipline:

1. Maintain a life that exists outside the relationship

Our world should not collapse into one person. Continuing investing in our friendships, work, hobbies… things that existed before the relationship and will continue regardless of it. This is not about creating distance; it is about maintaining dimension. A relationship should be a part of our life, not the entirety of it.

2. Know your non-negotiables

Before we can protect our identity, we need to understand it. What are our core values? What do we need to feel respected, heard, and safe? These are not things to be discovered mid-conflict.

They require introspection. Once we know the non-negotiables, the relationship becomes a space where those are honoured and not negotiated away.

3. Resist the urge to over-adopt

It is natural to pick up habits, interests, even language from your partner. But there is a difference between influence and absorption. We need to ask ourselves: are we engaging with something because we genuinely enjoy it, or because it brings you closer to our partners? The answer matters as over-adoption can slowly dilute your sense of self.

Without us realizing it.

4. Practise honest communication early

Many of us begin our relationships by presenting a more agreeable version of ourselves. We avoid disagreement to keep things smooth. But this sets a precedent that is difficult to undo. Being honest early—even when it risks friction—creates a more sustainable dynamic. It allows both people to understand each other as they are, not as they are performing to be.

5. Make solitude non-negotiable

Time alone is not a threat to intimacy; it is a foundation for it.

Solitude allows us to check in with ourselves. Are we still aligned with your needs? Are we making choices that feel authentic? Without this space, it becomes easy to drift into patterns that are shaped more by the relationship than by our own clarity.

6. Watch for subtle self-abandonment

Not all compromises are visible. Sometimes, self-abandonment shows up as silence—choosing not to voice discomfort. Or as over-accommodation—adjusting repeatedly without acknowledgment.

Or even as emotional outsourcing: relying entirely on our partners for validation. These are small moments, but they accumulate. Paying attention to them is crucial.

7. Redefine a “good partner”

A lot of us equate being a good partner with being endlessly accommodating. But a healthy relationship is not built on one person bending more. A good partner is someone who is present, but also with a clear sense of self. That clarity is not a barrier to love; it is what makes relationships stable. A secure partner will always want his or her personal time and not resent the partner when s/he does the same.